my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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