batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
