My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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