my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
