I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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