Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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