I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
