Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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