dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
