Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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