i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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