i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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