But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize