In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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