When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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