The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Well I just put wine in my tea
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
