hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Randomize
