then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
