I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
