If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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