hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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