So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize