it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
