i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
