My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
