i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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