I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
