He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
