I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize