I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
