Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
