I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
