Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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