remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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