I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I could make wine with my vomit
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
