Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
