take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You pole danced in your parka.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
