He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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