So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize