There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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