glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
