This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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