Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
