I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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