Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
