Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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