everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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