Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
