i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
