I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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