I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
