My Higher Power is John Stamos
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
