Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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