i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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