Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The air was thick with penises
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
