I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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