I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
