I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Randomize
