@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
