no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
