I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
