I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
