So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
