I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
