He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
